Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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