so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
