i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
