My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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