i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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