This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
