Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
