did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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