My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
