don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
