so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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