is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
