either way he was missing a nipple.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
