Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
