Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
