had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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