1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
