just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I'm having to shit out rocks
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
