If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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