apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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