Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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