I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
