Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
In other news, I just burned my penis
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
