that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
