I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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