i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
