I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
