So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
