Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
