I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
