I never want to see another naked old woman again.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
