you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
