you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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