I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
