She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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