My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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