Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He better not be in your backpack
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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