I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
