Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
