chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
