I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
BRING THE BAGELS
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
