Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
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