I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
