I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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