Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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