i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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