I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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