there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
