he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
