we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
