My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
