I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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