3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
