Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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